Episode 7 Sometimes I Lie to Myself
Sometimes I lie to myself.
When I’m waiting for news on a project, sometimes I lie to myself. Sometimes I tell myself it’s already sold to an editor who loved it. Sometimes I envision the letter I’ll get. The launch party I’ll plan. Sometimes I lie to myself and allow myself that amazing feeling of being happy about my writing.
Some people would say this isn’t lying at all. It’s simply envisioning the future, putting it out there, for the benevolent Universe to provide. Sometimes I believe that, too.
But then the days turn to weeks and the weeks to months and how do we sustain ourselves in the meantime when all we can see is the next five minutes and the emails that don’t miraculously appear just because we’ve closed our eyes and believed our intentions?
We just keep writing. The next book. The book after. The one we always wanted to, even when we thought nobody would want it, because nobody wants (fill in the blank) this year. Good thing, too, because this year is going to turn into next year and then the next and then maybe this book, the one we want to write will get noticed.
And it’s the thought that the only thing we can do is keep writing that feels so beautifully simple. Because sometimes the lies do come true. Most times they don’t. Most times that particular editor doesn’t take the book or doesn’t even respond. At least not on our timetable.
I was watching a Winter’s Tale this weekend (for the fifth time) and I loved the part when Lucifer says demons don’t understand the concepts of now and time.
Writers definitely don’t.
Because sometimes the it-didn’t-sell blues is just the it-didn’t-sell-yet blues…yet. Man, I love that word. Yet.
So we keep writing, counting our progression in terms of word counts or chapters or drafts or revisions. And at some point that writing amounts to something. Maybe it’s not a deal. Yet. Maybe it’s not an agent signing. Yet. Maybe it’s just the time that it takes to get better or to see more or to understand entirely. But until then I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m probably going to lie to myself.
I’m doing it right now.
Right now I’m telling myself that this book, the one I’m working on now, that I wrote initially six years ago. This is that book’s time. Right now. Good thing, too, because this book has me distracted enough to not check my emails every five minutes concerning my last book. The one I started last year. The one that hasn’t sold. Yet.
I always say Writing is a bad boyfriend. Even by doing this thing, this personification is a lie, but it’s a lie that works because it allows me to comfort myself through proxy. I can act like Writing is my muse. (Because isn’t it?)
I need to believe the feeling that compels me to write is divinely given and divinely driven.
Anyway, don’t we pray for divinity? Don’t we listen when our angels whisper? Don’t we thank our gods routinely. I’m just doing that.
Plus, I need to personalize this shit. I need an imperative to tell these stories. Pretending that Writing is a person allows me to believe, really believe, that my relationship with the words on the page is super personal, strong, and reciprocal.
As in this little gem I wrote in a blog years ago….
Writing believes in me. Truth is he always has. Through every draft and every revision and every rejection, He has shown back up, held his hand out with a really cute expression on his face as he asks. “Wanna dance?”
And my answer is always the same.
See how fun that is? How real it feels? How important? See how it keeps me working at it?
I often say that Writing distracts me from everything bad in my life. This is true!!! I have written through the worst times of my life. When my mother was dying. When my husband was drinking. When we were in dire financial states. When Covid hit my brother in law so badly that he was hospitalized and in a coma for months. Writing saved me during those times. So completely true.
But there’s more.
Writing listens to all my sad stories. Also true, in a way. The funny ones, too. Writing tells me other people will want to hear them. (Yes!!!) One day. Maybe not this day, but that’s cool. Because Writing may be an audience of one, but he always, always throws roses on the stage for me. (Such a great image, am I right?)
When I’ve dug so deep I’ve spilled blood all over the place, Writing plasters me up and tells me we can always paint over that damage. (Funny. And true)
Writing is always, always there, even when I stay away, even when I’m sure I can’t do it anymore, even when I’m at my lowest with this whole process. Writing tells me all I have to do is write the next word. The next scene. Writing tells me I just have to keep going. Because even with all the times I’ve lied to myself, I know Writing never lies to me. And if I’m going to be honest with myself, I’m going to have to admit that Writing makes my life better. Even when he makes it worse.
Writing has always been that way for me. Complicated. Deep. Difficult. Demanding. Gut wrenchingly honest. So when Writing tells me to get back in that chair and do the work, I listen. But I don’t tell him that the whole time I’m still telling myself little lies…I can live with that.
But can you? I mean, how do you do it? How do you keep yourself going? Does distraction work? If so, here are my best recommendations for killing the wait time while filling the vessel. And, in honor of my coping strategy, it’s all about lying.
Pretty Little Liars -I even loved the recent reboot-Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin
My fave binge worthy Netflix series about lying is Ginny & Georgia. Everyone lies in this one, if only to themselves. Such good watching. Fun. Deep. Important. Funny. Kind. Both seasons are terrific and I am crossing my fingers for at least one more. Please.
Here’s an article on the benefits of lying to yourself. There’s an up-side to positive pretending and people do it everyday to try new things. Try these daily affirmations to start your day with an attitude of gratitude. Affirmations not your thing? Try setting yourself up for success by planning rewards for your hard work. This article has a long list of self rewards. Need a dose of pure escapism? Try this Youtuber-Sayifa is just fun-like this video on her trip to an ice hotel or this video of her allowing the Insta shop to pick her outfits, or the video when she melts every shade of lipstick together. Try any of her videos work. So fun.
Writing is a tough business. It requires the utmost attention. Staunch dedication. A well defined locus of control. That’s the thing that makes self starters start stuff. Writing is not for the weak. It’s for the people who finish things. Be a finisher. Do whatever it takes to do the work. Even if you have to lie to yourself to get there.
I lie to myself all the time! I just don't do it as eloquently or elegantly as you. Great post!
Right on the same page. In 2012 I put submissions on a shelf, told myself I might never be book-published, and asked myself, So what now? "Now I'm a writer. And I write." It freed me to write what - and all - that I wanted to, and still does. Submissions, back in the mix since 2014, are missives of hope, not fearful invitations for rejections. And rejections are disappointing of course but have nothing to do with my desire to write. Yes, I'd love another book contract - because I love reading and talking to little ones. And yes, the constant focus on "success" as publication alone makes it hard. But we know how to do 'hard'.. And I can only hope that I'll keep writing till I drop.